Meh...
I can not see anything past the David Firth-ness.
I think i would respect this more if you used your own style. You can keep the creepy and twisted storyline, but... This flash lacks your own creativity. It has great potential, and i see that you have worked hard on this.
But i can not give this a good grade because all this is, is just a ripoff in a way.
This flash is not you. It did not represent what you can do. It represented that you can be like somebody else. And i believe in creativity. So in my opinion, if you want to make this story work, make it your own. Inspiration is great, and i understand it too well. But imitation of someone you may admire will not take you far.
With that said, i believe the only thing that i like about this flash is the storyline. It can progress into something very interesting, but before that can happen you need to convince people like me that "This is not just another David Firth ripoff."
Good luck with your future projects.